Every once in awhile I get a very serious urge to write, usually because I've learned something or am over-flowing with some emotion. I've decided, instead of keeping these moments locked up in a journal, I am going to share them with you. Hence, my blog....


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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Fertile Loins...Questioning Heart

Sitting down annoyed and tired...yet deep down feel satisfied and energized by life. It seems like there are multiple levels of experience. It feels like that at least. Moment to moment I feel the surface waves fluctuate and yet underneath a completely different tide can pull and sway me. This makes me feel more content....just knowing that underneath it all there is a deeper meaning of my own, one my soul makes for me.

Onward and upward toward more modern topics...I am lost for words right now. I haven't done this in quite some time and have lost the feeling of connectedness with the process. Probably because I have been spending too much time on FACEBOOK!! ;) Too true...I spend SO much time there. But for me it's a total gift.....FREE promotion and a world wide "stage" so to speak. Just such an amazing resource that I have still yet to figure out completely. Gettin there though as I learn to share myself more freely. It's more then that. It's learning how to have confidence. It's learning to stay positive and it's learning to always find some good in things, or how I may be able to learn from something.

I often switch from these heavy feelings of being totally burried psychologically by to-do's and did-not's and need-to's, to this glorious feeling of oneness and understanding that everything will be ok. Perhaps this is just my left and right brain hemispheres alternating who's in control. Or perhaps there is more....or perhaps there isn't.

Sometimes I think of how I will answer the questions that my future children will hurl at me. How can I answer things that I know so little about? The world to me is still SO mysterious, and just when I think I REALLY KNOW something, it seems to slip through my fingertips. Not in a scary way really but more of in an inviting way. As if to say...follow us to even more answers....don't stop learning....let the information flow THROUGH you. How would one explain that feeling of helplessness and desperate submission to life's secrets, to a five year old? I have heard lots of solutions to this problem through people I've known, movies I've seen and stories I've read. I have not been satisfied as of yet. I've heard...lie to the children, don't tell them what they are not ready to hear. Yet, how can I be a true teacher, a good teacher, and build hypocrisy into my own system of learning? How do I teach not to lie, by telling lies? This still confuses me. And on the flip side, how can I tell the WHOLE truth...the horrible, awful truth about what is waiting for my future children to take care of in their adulthood? They will find themselves horrified at their loss of innocence. The blinders comedown and a nightmare is revealed. Rape, war, hate...treacherous behavior. Guilt, debt, desperation...a world that is in the red every year...a world that is not sustainable. How do I leave all of this out? Yet...how to ever include? Think think think t h i n k...

Is it fair to just show the good side first....almost like a first impression to the world? The beauty and grace and love and philosophy and hope of the light side of things? I guess game time decisions will be made when these moments come. That is what I learned in my counseling courses when I was still pursuing a masters. In the moment, forget all the rules and the should's and the texts and the advice, and just DO what's in your heart to do. Don't process theory while holding someone's heart in your hands...be present and bring your soul to the front of the class, the very edge of your physical being. Take a good look and listen and feel what to say. This has really worked for me....once I learned how to do it. Although I still often times error, I find it is always better to be present.

Sooooo...how do you stay present for a lifetime? For the lifetime of a child? How to remain stable for so long? It is not possible be perfect but I can do my best. I am learning to do my best right now and striving to be enough for myself, my family, my friends, those I am lucky enough to call "fans" and for my future children. I want to be the best version of myself. I want to be what the world needs. I am learnin as I go along, go along...learnin as I sing my song, sing my sing to you.