Every once in awhile I get a very serious urge to write, usually because I've learned something or am over-flowing with some emotion. I've decided, instead of keeping these moments locked up in a journal, I am going to share them with you. Hence, my blog....


Thursday, February 25, 2010

Drowning and Flying

Well....guess it's been awhile since I wrote one of these guys. I've been waiting for this explosion of energy or a rush of what to say. (Side note...am experimenting with fonts I like best, that's why they keep changing. ) I guess the first word that comes to mind is "lost." I feel this way yet at the same time I very strongly don't. I have this calming sense that I am heading in just the right direction but I can't exactly see what's in front of me....so, I'm lost and found at the same time I suppose. What a conflicted feeling! It's like feeling like you are drowning and flying at the same time. (I seem to like this font....a favorite is discovered! :)

Starting a singing career and a record label and a publishing company is really hard. I think a lot about that. Yet with each step I feel more at home and prepared. In this is the lost and found tango. Doing something that is extremely challenging, that you have never done before, will at times leave one feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and filled with self-doubt. But it is also an invigorating, breath-taking experience, one I could never give up on. Never been much of a quitter really. Well, don't get me wrong...I have quit things before, like most very human, human beings, but I've usually found a way to try again, or to redeem myself. Quitting never sits right with the insides. Just rolls around there nagging at you like coffee on an empty stomach.

I've taken to drinking coffee lately, something I'd never thought I'd do. Yet, busy days find me wanting that extra surge....and a surge caffeine does supply. I really started drinking it heavily at a former job, when getting through the day proved to be so wretched, that the thought of not being drugged in some sort of way was more then I could take. Coffee is a sort of drug, right? Just a legal one. That truly amazes me....that coffee is so legal and easy to get compared to other mood altering substances. Guess it does make a lot of sense though...it keeps the hive running at a faster pace. Why would they make something like that illegal?

Okay, drifting on to other less controversial subjects.... I am still stuck on the ego and the rats. My last post was about them. A which one is worse sort of thing, and the ego definitely one out as the more "evil" of the too. Thing is these rats are breeding and wake me up in the middle of the night scampering through the walls even more then they did two months ago. And after getting back from the long weekend away, traveling with Rusty Lindsey to several of his gigs, there was rat poop all over the counters and hair. Waaaaoooo h! I loved little Remi's sweet face but do not know if I can take any more of this. The ego does the same sh*t really.

Have you ever woken up from what I am gonna call a bad ego trip and found traces of it's presence all over the people that you interacted with during said trip? Or traces of it in the way your house is....whether that means it's suuuuuper messy, or suuuuuper clean, or all strangely organized....etc.? The ego will definitely poop all over your life too. What gross imagery. I don't even know what to picture exactly as the ego....everyone's probably would be manifested in to the physical form differently. Mine would be a small hunched over timid creature, deathly afraid of hurting anything....a powerless, old, frightened woman comes to mind. Cool thing is though, I've managed to convince that old woman that she's far more powerful then she once thought, and that sometimes hurting others is the only way to show love to yourself. Loving yourself....one of the very hardest things to learn how to do. I continually try to work on this. I think being good to yourself is just as important as keeping your body healthy. But that's a whole other subject, the equal importance of mental health and body health, and I've been writing for quite some time already.

I appreciate your stopping by to read my mind. You are welcome any time. :)

In Between My Ego and the Rats

Woah! What was that!? Did you hear that? Wait....quiet..... There it was again! Dude, that was crazy.... What is that!???? Oh, I think I know what it is....It's the sounds of rats taking over our house!!!! Oh dear! That and the ego tip toeing and slipping in between the crevices and slits of my busy and wandering mind. Hmmm...which noise is louder? The rats or the ego? It really depends on the situation and the hour. Seems like the ego comes out of hiding for my most confused and stressful moments. As if that was when it was most needed....what crap! The rats mainly skit and skat in the dark, but they've gotten a might bit braver lately. Seemingly fearless, a little fella wandered across the kitchen floor in broad daylight just last week, hopped on the lip of the dog's water bowl and began to calmly drink a mere 5 feet away from us. Imagine the audacity! And the sheer cuteness! ;) How could I ever kill the thing?! The ego, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. I'll get my shotgun out for that sh*t and one hell of a knife, ready to fire away and slice and dice. I swear when the ego finds a way to cleverly set up shop without my recognizing it, I feel abundantly infuriated!. Its a TRULY audacious, soul-sucking, wretch of a creation that is, in my opinion, responsible for most of the problems that plague the human race. Hence my scorn and contempt and aggressive arsenal. See...the rats, the plague-bringing, "scum of the earth" rats, just seem like a non-issue by comparison. Perhaps I should change my mind...the nibbling we hear as we lay in bed at night could potentially be dangerous. Is that a wire in between your sweet little teeth Remi or are you just gnawing at the framing of our home? Hmmmm.... I've lost my train of thought now. It just fliffed away....bye bye big point I was going to make. Well, I suppose my sorta point was that the ego is the real demon here and creeps up all devious like most of the time when you least expect it or are in need of it...attacking you at your weakest, with a vengance and spite that usually you don't deserve. But....if you can beat it, you can beat anything. And it can be beaten. And it will be beaten...

Dingy Dirty Down Dumps

I feel so dingy, dirty, down-in-the-dumps right now. So annoyed by myself and my thoughts. I keep having these incredibly annoying, not-so-nice thoughts about myself, and they're mixed with strong irritation and anger and just general ickiness. Hope you don't mind my complaining.

I'm tryin to figure out what the hell this is about. It's what I always try to do. I get to my thinking spot like pooh bear and try to figure out where the hell I went wrong, or where someone went wrong on me, or if the boo-hoos are no one's, nothins fault and its just the plain ole silly world playing slight of hand tricks with my fate and heart. Which is it? I'm thinkin... I'm waitin... Anything in there? Any thoughts in there dyin to come give me all the answers that I've ever wanted?

I say that and then right after I think to myself, "Gee, I sure love finding out the answers for myself." I guess listening to our deep inner voices, is ourselves telling us the answer, if that makes sense. It's LISTENING to them that I have trouble with at times, or telling the difference between my true voice and the crazy egoic one, that is just trying to mess me up, and confuse the daylights outta me! Its like a very sick guessing game....cause sometimes you need to know NOW which answer, voice, whatever you wanna call it, is the right one.

All you can do, is hold on to your hat and leap with wild abandon toward the thought that the depths of your heart and soul pull you to. Its that faith thats hard to find. Faith in me. Faith in what I know I want to be. Faith in making the hard but right choices. Now I'm kinda teary eyed.

I just wish that life was easier sometimes, less confusing, more like a game you play when you are a kid, where there are rules that makes sense. Because sometimes this big old mess of a stinky world doesn't make a bit of damn sense to me. Just drives me crazy! And then I'll be driving along listening to music and this "perfect" momment happens...its like the beauty and emotion of the music and the view from my window become one, and I feel so lucky to be alive just for that moment. Or when I see Grant being his gracious and kind self, always thinking of whats best for others, especially me...I watch him and I know that to not live this life would be a grave, tragic loss of something inexplicably, unimaginably breathtaking.

Now to find a way to make those moments last longer, become brighter in my mind and memory, and visit more frequently. Perhaps that's where meditation comes in....where writing, music and just love comes in. Focus on the love....

The Holidays and "Transition"

There are a million ways to describe the Holidays. Joyful, jolly, colorful, bright, stressful, anxiety-ridden, crippling, pressure-filled, delightful, climactic, glutonous, rapture-filled, depressing, daunting, cold, cozy, snowy, and the list can continue to unravel forever....

I find myself feeling and experiencing all of these things and more, and its making for quite the roller coaster ride. ;) Up and down and all around and in between and forward and backward and all the places that need be. Its tough to balance all of these things. Heavy hard emotions with the high as a kite ones, ya know

Us humans are funny creations. We can hold so much at once. We are filled with so much potential for greatness and for destruction. It puts us in such interesting and unattractive predicaments, and at the same time opens us up to endlessly blissful opportunities, depending on the doors we choose to walk through.

I find myself feeling like there is not enough time to be and do all I want to be and do in one day. I find myself wishing I had more to give to others this season and wishing I could turn those frowns upside down, as I walk the market places and see so many discouraged and worried people. Can't save them all myself as much as I'd like to. I think one thing that I can give is the hope for change and the knowing that better times will come.

I just posted my newest song today, a collaboration with Fran Schultz called "Transition." The title was hers originally and I wrote from it and the spirit of the song. I feel that I am in a deep transitional phase and that we also are as a country as well. So many feelings accompany times like this....anxiety, curiosity, anticipation, determination, fear, confusion, and excitment to name just a few.

I sit trying to harness and understand all of my own continually overflowing feelings. Feelings that I try desperately to put into words and capture with my voice. I only hope I've done this topic justice and that those of you who feel as I do in some or all ways, will feel heard and understood, validated and inspired. Thank you so much for reading and listening. You all are very dear to me.

A Friendship Gone Bad

Just recieved a disapointing message from an old friend today. It amazes me how someone that I would call a friend can continually be so insensitive, unkind, disrespectful and unappreciative. For all I feel that I give when I am in relationship to another human being it never ceases to amaze me how arrogant and audacious a person can be in return. I wonder if I welcome this ill treatment by putting out so much understanding and support. One of my new songs I've yet to put up addresses this very topic. Ed's actually mixing it down as I type. I can't wait to put it up and free this energy from me. I did a video diary from before and after too that further explores the topic of why some bite my hand, even though it is offering food to them.

My disapointment is so severe right now. I feel like I've been punished by this person for being a good friend. That is why I am no longer communicating with them. What else is there to do when in a hostile situation that you are undeserving of, then remove yourself from it? I've certainly learned that lesson the hard way. If someone doesn't deserve you, don't subject yourself to them. It really has become that simple for me in my life because now I know that some people won't learn until you force them to. You fuck me, you loose my attention.

This is a somewhat odd example but its like what we do with our dogs when they chew up our pillows or dig through the trash....sometimes I yell, which I shouldn't, but really what makes the biggest impact is when I calmly tell them to go outside and I close the door and leave them out there for a bit without looking at them or paying any attention to them. We're made to want attention from things that we love and/or are attatched to. No attention is always worse then positive or neagtive attention because for a lot of creatures negative attention is still enough to satisfy the deep need to be recognized. Ignoring sends a strong message...I don't care enough to yell at you, I don't care enough to waist any more energy on you, you don't deserve anything else from me. And my friend, unfortunately, falls into that category right now.

Filled to the Brim with Excitment!

I absolutely loved the energy in my house this weekend. I tell ya...you get enough soulful, genuine people in a room and magical things start to happen. My brother started work on his solo project this weekend....wow! I've been pumpin him up trying to get him to see how truly talented he is and its working! That and I think he's finally found a direction the suits him. I'm so filled with excited energy right now...this anticipation for the future. It was just so amazing to see my family so happy and together with some of the friends we've made through the internet. T Dawn and Ron Rutherford made cameo appearances, much to our sheer delight! I can't wait to bring even more artists and friends to these gatherings as I feel it will only up the positive energy and feeling of abundant creativity. We enjoyed good food and drinks and company and then I would see groups or two's split off do play and make music. How incredible.

I feel so filled with this deep sense of knowing. This knowing of whats to come....what a strange and curious feeling. Wrote a song about it once. I get these feelings sometimes....and I know just like a witch, that something good will happen here. Sure am glad that I wasn't born in those witch burning times....I'd a been burned for sure ;). I'm joking, yet I'm not. I start seeing potential story lines lay out for me and those I know. Quite a trip....and so very often what I see has a way of making its way into reality. Tttttttt...rippppy!

If ya'll would like to see photos that I took from the weekend please check em out on my facebook page. My camera's a bit ghetto but it still capture's a moment well enough to know whats goin on. I also took some video footage of some freestyles and conversations that I plan making something out of soon. Gonna be outta town this week for thanksgiving so probably won't get to that and the liquidator collabo till we get back. I' way excited to eat thanksgiving food and see family but can't wait to get back to our art projects! I did finalize the title of my EP last night, write the inside cover flap, nail down song order and the designs for the front and inside. I could not fall asleep! You know when the feeling to create just hits you and you know you have to listen? Well, that happened last night. :) Awesome! Got pies to make tomorrow morning...I love making pies! Its pecan and pumpkin...two of my favorites. I sure hope that you all have a beautiful Thanksgiving holiday. Thank you for reading my ideas and musings. I so enjoy communicating with you!

Visualizing the Prize

I'm on the edge a my seat waitin for Saturday. I just told Grant that this feeling reminds me of how I felt days before our wedding. After so much planning you reach a point where you just want it to be here cause you feel like all your doing is waiting. Waiting is definitely a current theme around here.

I really want to hear the new one I recorded to Meleniumx's "Solitude" but Grant and Ed have so much to do and I just have to accept it's gonna take awhile. I'm so eager to record the rest of my album too. I feel like going to music "camp" for a week to just record it all, all at once. I have hopes that maybe things could actually be that way one day.

Is it strabge to think it could actually happen for us one day? We've seen so much progress in one year and I feel like we have so much potential, but it can take way more then talent and potential these days to be successful with music. Things like luck, back breaking work, luck, and knowing the right people, and oh yea luck. :) I've got my sight set on the prize and plan to reach my goal.

I played water polo in high school and college and one of things I learned from that was to visualize the kind of player I wanted to be. To visulaize doing the things I wanted to do in the game made them much more likely to happen. Planning for success and practicing for it, dressing the part and acting the part of the kind of artist I've always wanted to be hopefully will help me get there. :)


Just got back from the gym and we hadn't been in a week or so. So easy to order pizza instead of going to the gym...like we did last night. MMmmm, it sure was good though. I feel so tired right now and not just physically. Can't tell what it is really. Maybe its all the preparation for the show. I'm not use to practicing the same songs over and over. I'm trying to kinda hold back enough while I practice too, so that I can really deliver an emotional performance on the 7th.

Feelin so blah right now. I'm sitting here trying to think of interesting things to right, but just feel like sleeping or not thinking at all....brain is fried crispy and salted. That reminds me of In and Out. Wow, I am just full of naughty food cravings right now.

Its hard to hold depressing thoughts back right now. I guess we all get down every once in awhile. and I started the day so cheery too. Strange. I'll figure out what it is at somepoint. I know one thing, listening to some quality music sure could help. I just figured out part of what is making me so anxcious right now....I've been trying to get my rankings right today. Ever since I started to seriously tackle it I've been stressed out. Its way hard to do since there are so many artists that I love and respect. and there are so many to choose from. I wish the list could be longer or we could have different lists for different genres. Its so hard to rank my favorite instrumental tracks along side my favorite electronic tracks along side my favorite singer songwriters....catch my drift? Wow, I feel better all of the sudden. Knowing where the anxiety comes from helps to relieve some of it.

I have a messy kitchen to clean and then I plan to get some serious relaxation in. Maybe a bath and a movie. Just right.

Can't Get No Job

Recieved another letter in the mail today saying that I was not hired for a job that I interviewed for. I have had the most amazing streak of bad luck with jobs since I got out of college...it is amazing. I have a college degree, and I am an extremely hard worker yet the jobs that I have gotten have been so disapointing. I've had a series of bosses that have somewhat made me lose faith in there being good management anywhere. Then when I go to fill out an application for a new job and it asks me why I left my previous jobs, I don't lie. Imagine that! I give an honest account of why I left. I was even fired for the first time in my life last year and gave an honest account of that. I feel like being honest about these unfortunate experiences is getting me punished. A pparently sane, hardworking, talented people with dregrees are not hiring material.

At the job I got fired from, I was one of the best workers there and there were others that had been working there for years that made massive mistakes consistently, were borderline unstable and frequently a pain in the ass to my boss...and they still work there and are still causing problems. This amazes me! How the hell do I get a job? Does anyone know?! How do I get a job without selling my soul?! Is this even possible? Should I just give up or give in, in order to get anywhere? I refuse! Is that my problem...my refusal to conform and turn into a drone...do I think too much? Do I look like I know too much for these people? what is the fricking deal?

Its the strangest thing but sometimes I feel like the more impressive I am in an interview the less likely I am to get the job. Am I threatening the management? Do they think I'll steal their place? Little do they know, I wouldn't do that. I just want something to live on while I wait for success in music. I'm not looking to take over the world through a corporation! Ahhh...this infuriates me. I never would have thought that I would suffer this much in the work place or feel so desperate. Why should I even continue to try to get a job when all that experience has shown me is that I'll be mistreated by management and penalized for doing well. I'm at my fricking wits end!

Maybe this is the world's way of telling me that I don't belong in the work force. Well, not the one I'm referring to at least. The truth is all I can imagine myself doing is singing and performing and writing and recording and having children and taking care of a family. Is that what they see when they interview me....someone who's head is somewhere else? But I'm so present and attentive in the interviews and I just...I feel like giving up. There have been recent developments that lead me to believe that there will most certainly be a career for me in music. I'm already preparing for this next step and feel that that is the most important thing to focus on. I can do this, I know I can....but the troubles of the everyday life have ruined my spirits today. Being rejected aint a pretty thing :). There's so much of me that just wants to cut the strings loose that tie me to the ground and leap into the sky as I've done so many times in dreams. I can see it. :)

Got a music weekend to plan and look forward to. My bro's gonna come up and lay down some drum and vocal tracks, Rusty Lindsey, T Dawn and my drummer and dad Kevin Clark are comin up to. Maybe Eric V his manager, my girlfriends and others will show as well. Gonna be a full house...I need to start preparing. Already cleaned the garage/music room this morning. Next is the studio and house then thinking bout what to cook. I love the feeling of happy people all filled in a warm house and creative enviornment. Something to look forward too...

Snap Me Out of It

I don't really feel like writing right now but I feel like I should. Maybe it will help me to emerge from this nasty slumping over gloomy dark cloud tizzy I'm in. Good lord...someone get the lady a ray of sunshine! Its unreal when these moods come one. Thats when I like myself the least. I know that I ought allow myself the space to be sad and unhappy sometimes because as a human these are emotions that come naturally to me. Just somethin about the negative ones that makes me feel negative though. Jeez...just listen to me! I'm annoyed at the sound of my own voice right now! I have to let myself be upset though. Ari...reapeat after me....It is OKAY to be upset! Ahhhh...deep sigh and I feel a bit better. I went through several years of counseling several years ago and I was taght that one of the best tools to help myself was to write. Man, it is ever the truth. I mean just let it all out and not give a care about what ever it is that I write down...that is an incredibly healing experience. Its a lot like making music or painting...or any kind of free expression for that matter. Its being given the space to just be whatever you are that is so comforting. I also find it comforting because its a safe way to vent...ya know, like it won't hurt anyone else? As opposed to bottling it up and yelling at the poor lady bagging your groceries, for example. Do you know what I mean?! I am starting to feel a lot better...this helps....Eureka! Its like every time I write to help myself, I figure out the secret all over again. :)

Yo Peeps!

haha...did i just call ya'll peeps? What was i Thinking?! I don't know. Sometimes its great to just be without thinking about it...to just totally be!! yes!! Big plans to almost live the entire rest of my life that way. Plans plans ;) Holidays comin up here...wow did they ever sneak up fast and bite me in the rear! Seems to just happen that way. Side note...sang backup in the studio tonight to Steve Rupert's "Raging River." No joke...that song is completely incredible. The bass line, which I couldn't really hear till I heard the song in the phones in the studio, is ridiculously good. I don't know if Steve did that himself or what but its amazing. The Cd's in my hand right now and I need to get permission from steve to put it up on my page. Can't wait to share it and as always and forever I hope that you find a piece in me and me heart that touches your heart and expands your mind...helps you breath easy with a freedom of acceptance of who you are. Because you are beautiful...don't u know that? :) Much love to you friend and member of the human race.

After Our First Performance

Sooooooo.....we did it! After all that hard work and worrying its over and under our belts. My worst fear was that I was going to totally blank on lyrics and, surprisingly, once I was up there and got the first note and word out, it all just kept coming to me. It was the strangest feeling really, to do something that personal in front of others. After I got off this stage I felt like I was dreaming...like I had an outer body experience. What a sureal and magical experience. I am an introverted person so putting that much energy out drained me to the core and I felt like crawling into a dark quite room afterward and sleeping for days. Well, that didn't seem to stop me from trying to get a group to hang out afterwards...I wanted to take advantage of spending time around all of the super nice and talented people! The studio was a trip! There were girls wonderin around all dressed up like they were gonna be in a rap music video. Got me so curious about what was goin on. Kem said I could peek my head into this large main room in the studio and after a short bathroom break, I couldn't resist! It looked amazing inside! Alex Nester happened to be near by when I looked in and we wished we could spend some quality time inside. What a studio! Maybe one day, eh? I am looking into my crystal ball and feel the possibility of such a thing revealing itself to me. How amazing! For now its back to the studio, back to the pen, back to the everyday buisness of working hard to become the artist I've always wanted to be.

The Night Before Our First Performance

Would it be too weird to say that I've waited me whole life to feel like I was ready for this and that I actually feel that I am. So much work went into being in this place. I'm just so happy that I never gave up on myself, because there were so many times that I wanted too and almost did. I had so many opportunities to choose the easier path away from my true self and I'm so proud that I managed to keep pushing through, kept looking for the me on the inside that really had a voice to share. Its such a pleasure to feel comfortable in my own skin as I do now and not be afraid of who sees me being me. A gift.

I am feeling very appreciative to some artists here on liquid audio for making me feel extra pumped this week when I was feeling down and incredibly nervous about tomorrow's performance. A special group of people are hangin out here.

I'll catech ya'll on the flip side of this story and hope that I have some exciting memories to share. :)