Every once in awhile I get a very serious urge to write, usually because I've learned something or am over-flowing with some emotion. I've decided, instead of keeping these moments locked up in a journal, I am going to share them with you. Hence, my blog....

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Drowning and Flying

Well....guess it's been awhile since I wrote one of these guys. I've been waiting for this explosion of energy or a rush of what to say. (Side note...am experimenting with fonts I like best, that's why they keep changing. ) I guess the first word that comes to mind is "lost." I feel this way yet at the same time I very strongly don't. I have this calming sense that I am heading in just the right direction but I can't exactly see what's in front of me....so, I'm lost and found at the same time I suppose. What a conflicted feeling! It's like feeling like you are drowning and flying at the same time. (I seem to like this font....a favorite is discovered! :)

Starting a singing career and a record label and a publishing company is really hard. I think a lot about that. Yet with each step I feel more at home and prepared. In this is the lost and found tango. Doing something that is extremely challenging, that you have never done before, will at times leave one feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, and filled with self-doubt. But it is also an invigorating, breath-taking experience, one I could never give up on. Never been much of a quitter really. Well, don't get me wrong...I have quit things before, like most very human, human beings, but I've usually found a way to try again, or to redeem myself. Quitting never sits right with the insides. Just rolls around there nagging at you like coffee on an empty stomach.

I've taken to drinking coffee lately, something I'd never thought I'd do. Yet, busy days find me wanting that extra surge....and a surge caffeine does supply. I really started drinking it heavily at a former job, when getting through the day proved to be so wretched, that the thought of not being drugged in some sort of way was more then I could take. Coffee is a sort of drug, right? Just a legal one. That truly amazes me....that coffee is so legal and easy to get compared to other mood altering substances. Guess it does make a lot of sense though...it keeps the hive running at a faster pace. Why would they make something like that illegal?

Okay, drifting on to other less controversial subjects.... I am still stuck on the ego and the rats. My last post was about them. A which one is worse sort of thing, and the ego definitely one out as the more "evil" of the too. Thing is these rats are breeding and wake me up in the middle of the night scampering through the walls even more then they did two months ago. And after getting back from the long weekend away, traveling with Rusty Lindsey to several of his gigs, there was rat poop all over the counters and hair. Waaaaoooo h! I loved little Remi's sweet face but do not know if I can take any more of this. The ego does the same sh*t really.

Have you ever woken up from what I am gonna call a bad ego trip and found traces of it's presence all over the people that you interacted with during said trip? Or traces of it in the way your house is....whether that means it's suuuuuper messy, or suuuuuper clean, or all strangely organized....etc.? The ego will definitely poop all over your life too. What gross imagery. I don't even know what to picture exactly as the ego....everyone's probably would be manifested in to the physical form differently. Mine would be a small hunched over timid creature, deathly afraid of hurting anything....a powerless, old, frightened woman comes to mind. Cool thing is though, I've managed to convince that old woman that she's far more powerful then she once thought, and that sometimes hurting others is the only way to show love to yourself. Loving yourself....one of the very hardest things to learn how to do. I continually try to work on this. I think being good to yourself is just as important as keeping your body healthy. But that's a whole other subject, the equal importance of mental health and body health, and I've been writing for quite some time already.

I appreciate your stopping by to read my mind. You are welcome any time. :)

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