Every once in awhile I get a very serious urge to write, usually because I've learned something or am over-flowing with some emotion. I've decided, instead of keeping these moments locked up in a journal, I am going to share them with you. Hence, my blog....

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dingy Dirty Down Dumps

I feel so dingy, dirty, down-in-the-dumps right now. So annoyed by myself and my thoughts. I keep having these incredibly annoying, not-so-nice thoughts about myself, and they're mixed with strong irritation and anger and just general ickiness. Hope you don't mind my complaining.

I'm tryin to figure out what the hell this is about. It's what I always try to do. I get to my thinking spot like pooh bear and try to figure out where the hell I went wrong, or where someone went wrong on me, or if the boo-hoos are no one's, nothins fault and its just the plain ole silly world playing slight of hand tricks with my fate and heart. Which is it? I'm thinkin... I'm waitin... Anything in there? Any thoughts in there dyin to come give me all the answers that I've ever wanted?

I say that and then right after I think to myself, "Gee, I sure love finding out the answers for myself." I guess listening to our deep inner voices, is ourselves telling us the answer, if that makes sense. It's LISTENING to them that I have trouble with at times, or telling the difference between my true voice and the crazy egoic one, that is just trying to mess me up, and confuse the daylights outta me! Its like a very sick guessing game....cause sometimes you need to know NOW which answer, voice, whatever you wanna call it, is the right one.

All you can do, is hold on to your hat and leap with wild abandon toward the thought that the depths of your heart and soul pull you to. Its that faith thats hard to find. Faith in me. Faith in what I know I want to be. Faith in making the hard but right choices. Now I'm kinda teary eyed.

I just wish that life was easier sometimes, less confusing, more like a game you play when you are a kid, where there are rules that makes sense. Because sometimes this big old mess of a stinky world doesn't make a bit of damn sense to me. Just drives me crazy! And then I'll be driving along listening to music and this "perfect" momment happens...its like the beauty and emotion of the music and the view from my window become one, and I feel so lucky to be alive just for that moment. Or when I see Grant being his gracious and kind self, always thinking of whats best for others, especially me...I watch him and I know that to not live this life would be a grave, tragic loss of something inexplicably, unimaginably breathtaking.

Now to find a way to make those moments last longer, become brighter in my mind and memory, and visit more frequently. Perhaps that's where meditation comes in....where writing, music and just love comes in. Focus on the love....

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